As founders of the Pubologist Society, we are taking a keen interest in the conflicting opinions concerning the plagues of Frogs and Slugs and the proliferation of Firkins, Hogsheads, Taps and Spiles afflicting our pubs.
The history of Britain can be traced through our pub names and there should be pubs to suit all tastes. However we do not necessarily wish to patronise every pub that tries to do this, and believe it is essential to have pubs which channel off the type of persons we do not wish to rub shoulders (or anything else) with.
To cope with opposing ends of the spectrum, we are visualising a pub chain with two separate links. Firstly THE PRICK & PIMPLE. These pubs will cater exclusively for underage drinkers, adolescents and people who make a lot of noise and wear baseball caps back to front. Nothing will be sold but frozen lager and alcoholic fruit juice. Every bar will have fresh cigarette smoke pumped in before opening time for instant acclimatisation. Every bar will have strobe lighting and every type of space invader which buzzes, squeals and makes burglar alarm sounds at regular intervals. Large display T.V. screens will abound, showing nothing but football and snooker. You won’t be able to hear any commentaries as they will be drowned out by a distorted amplification system tuned (or rather untuned) to a permanent tape of large rocks and scaffolding poles being dropped onto corrugated iron roofs. These sounds will be boosted through speakers to a volume sufficient to destroy any living brain cells.
Because we care about the community at large, these pubs will be carefully sited in old cellars or disused sewers about a mile underground.
For the second type of pub we have chosen YE OLDE BORING FARTE. These will be exclusively for those who remember the ‘Good Old Days’. They can’t remember much else. They will become regulars. They will have regular bowel movements and will be seated in the same corners at the same time with the same newspaper with astonishing regularity. They will observe regular opening hours. We shall issue numbered tokens to reserve seats as any alteration of routine could cause great consternation.
These pubs will be converted from old undertakers’ parlours. They will contain many notices and warnings. NO MUSIC. NO GAMBLING. NO DANCING. NO RUSTLING OF CRISP PACKETS. Only draught mild and bottled brown ale will be sold.
So we offer these two names dependent upon which group of people is likely to be targetted to patronise the former Half Moon. It could be raised to the ground and it’s extensive cellars utilised or it could be re-opened almost intact with just a coat or two of khaki and green paint.
We understand the pub is to be taken over by Dragon & Flagon enterprises and the name that will win this competition will be THE DRAGON & FLAGON. Even if they submit it themselves.
Me, Him and The Other One
From ‘CHRONIC, A Fable of our Times’, 1999